I had no interests. I had no interest in anything. I had no idea how I was going to escape. At least others had some taste for life. They seemed to understand something that I didn’t understand. Maybe I was lacking. It was possible. I often felt inferior. I just wanted to get away from them. But there was no place to go.
+ charles bukowski + interests + life + lacking + inferior + deficient + wrong + defective + escape + get away + normal + strange + people + understand + different + place + taste + living + purpose + existentialism + ham on rye
Over the last couple of years, the photos of me when I was a kid… well, they’ve started to give me a little pang or something - not unhappiness, exactly, but some kind of quiet, deep regret… I keep wanting to apologize to the little guy: “I’m sorry, I’ve let you down. I was the person who was supposed to look after you, but I blew it: I made wrong decisions at bad times, and I turned you into me.
+ childhood + kid + photos + Nick Hornby + high fidelity + pang + regret + disappointment + uneasiness + unhappiness + sorry + quiet + apologize + let down + wrong + decision + eating disorder + depression + achieve + me + take care
We don’t “kill ourselves”. We are simply defeated by the long, hard struggle to stay alive. When somebody dies after a long illness, people are apt to say, with a note of approval, “He fought so hard.” And they are inclined to think, about a suicide, that no fight was involved, that somebody simply gave up. This is quite wrong.
+ depression + suicide + kill oneself + defeated + struggle + despair + sadness + memoir + dies + illness + approval + hard + fight + wrong + gave up + end + sally brampton + misnomer
‘What’s wrong with me?’ If there was an anthem for eating disorders, this would be the chorus. What’s wrong with me that I can’t starve away? Or exercise away? Or stuff into silence? What’s wrong with me that I can’t feel, that I can’t express- that I can’t get rid of?
Sooner or later most of us arrive at a time in our lives where we say to ourselves, something is wrong. It happens to some people when they are very young and to others when they are much older. Different circumstances awaken this sense in different people, but it usually is not about the circumstances. The circumstances simply shine a light on it, but they themselves are just the symptoms. The circumstances are external, but the disease is within.
+ perfectly imperfect + matthew kelly + circumstance + event + life + disease + symptoms + eating disorder + depression + young + wrong + empty + unhappy
People think being alone makes you lonely, but I don’t think that’s true. Being surrounded by the wrong people is the loneliest thing in the world.
I would never be part of anything. I would never really belong anywhere, and I knew it, and all my life would be the same, trying to belong, and failing. Always something would go wrong. I am a stranger and I always will be, and after all I didn’t really care.
She is plagued with a vague, uneasy sense of emptiness, so she tries to fill herself up. Since she is no longer clear about what she longs for she assumes her hunger is a physical one. And so she either eats compulsively or becomes horrified at her seemingly insatiable appetite and proceeds to starve herself. She then continues through life with the assumption that something is very wrong with her. Her struggle with food confirms that indeed, there is something wrong with her and this becomes her focus, her obsession: if she only could fix this problem, then everything else would be okay.
+ eating disorders + eating in the light of the moon + anorexia + bulimia + binge + purge + starve + emptiness + fill + hunger + compulsively + appetite + wrong + obsession + focus + problem
