And even when you’re ready to let go. When you’re ready to break free. When you’re ready to be brand-new. Loneliness is an old friend standing beside you in the mirror, looking you in the eye, challenging you to live your life without it. You can’t find the words to fight yourself, to fight the words screaming that you’re not enough, never enough, never ever enough. Loneliness is a bitter, wretched companion. Sometimes it just won’t let go.
Many never feel safe enough to relax yet find in eating disorders an pervasive mode of escape. Here’s how the escape works: you flee anxiety by pulling into yourself, you purge your fear by vomiting it up, you become so obsessive about your body that nothing else in the world seems to matter. The result is that you feel you have this body- your contained world- under control”.
People don’t really want to be cured.
What they want is relief; a cure is painful.
Nobody can save you but yourself. You will be put again and again into nearly impossible situations. They will attempt again and again through subterfuge, guise and force to make you submit, quit and/or die quietly inside. Nobody can save you but yourself and it will be easy enough to fail so very easily but don’t, don’t, don’t. Just watch them. Listen to them. Do you want to be like that? A faceless, mindless, heartless being? Do you want to experience death before death? Nobody can save you but yourself and you’re worth saving. It’s a war not easily won but if anything is worth winning then this is it. Think about it. Think about saving your self.
+ anxiety + charles bukowski + death + depression + eating disorder + fail + fight + heartless + help + inside + keep going + persevere + recover + recovery + resilient + save + self + situations + think + winning + wisdom + won + worth + worthy + yourself + anorexia + bulimia + suicide + give up + break
I perpetually wound myself emotionally to burn my will to overcome. Instead of attempting to fully cure myself, I will my own biological self-destruction.
It’s precisely because we want to overcome that pain, that we can get the feeling, through this process, of really being alive - or at least a partial sense of it. Your quality of experience is based not on standards such as time or ranking, but on finally awakening to an awareness of the fluidity within action itself.
As long as you fight a symptom, it will become worse. If you take responsibility for what you are doing to yourself, how you produce your symptoms, how you produce your illness, how you produce your existence- the very moment you get in touch with yourself- growth begins, integration occurs.
We are trapped by our illusions of perfection, depressed by the difficulty of the road ahead, overwhelmed by the patterns of defeat. Until we are convinced substantial change is possible, our lives remain little more than a waking dream.
I was surprised, as always, at how easy the act of leaving was, and how good it felt. The world was suddenly rich with possibility.