I felt stuck in the bottom of a wishing well. I was desperate to shout what I wanted, but I didn’t know what that was. I knew only what it wasn’t.
Depression can be understood as a sign of the loss of self, and consists of a denial of one’s own emotional reactions and feelings. The denial begins in the service of an absolutely essential adaptation during childhood, to avoid losing love.
+ Alice Miller + drama of the gifted child + depression + loss + self + identity + denial + emotions + needs + feelings + reactions + supression + avoid + love + parents
I write entirely to find out what I’m thinking, what I’m looking at, what I see, and what it means. What I want and what I fear.
If we are taken over by craving, no matter who or what is before us, all we can see is how it might satisfy our needs. This kind of thirst contracts our body and mind into a profound trance. We move through the world with a kind of tunnel vision that prevents us from enjoying what is in front of us. The color of an autumn leaves or a passage of poetry merely amplifies the feeling that there is a gaping hole in our life. The smile of a child only reminds us that we are painfully childless. We turn away from simple pleasures because our craving compels us to seek more intense stimulation or numbing relief.
+ Tara Brach + buddha + acceptance + craving + urge + impulse + tunnel vision + satisfy + needs + feeling + empty + numb + relief
She did not need much, wanted very little. A kind word, sincerity, fresh air, clean water, a garden, kisses, books to read, sheltering arms, a cosy bed, and to love and be loved in return.
The bulimic will absorb the food and then reject it, she will agree to internalize her emotions, then reject them. She wants to feel loved, and at the same time she fears that people won’t notice what is happening inside of herself. She lives in fear of what others think.
By looking to food rather than people to meet self-object needs, the eating disordered individual tried to circumvent the need for human self- object responsiveness and to avoid further disappointment and shame. Food is seen as trustworthy, while people are not.
+ bulimia + external + empty + internal + needs + food + void + people + shame + trust + disappointment + relationships
A person with an eating disorder believes her needs are illegitimate, and therefore finds it difficult to seek care or engage with any care she does manage to seek. But because her needs are yearning and pressing she must find some way to express them: she puts into body what she cannot put into words. Her eating disorder serves as her voice, her attempt to express her needs and desires without directly asking for anything”.
+ sensing the self + bulimia + needs + expressing + food + yearning + engage + voice + need
A bulimic person’s shame may lead her to try not only to hide her eating- disordered behaviors but also her basic needs and yearnings. She may wish that her needs and desires did not exist and may try to act as if she does not need or want anyone or anything. when that attempt inevitably fails, she may wish others could magically read her mind and respond to her needs and wants without having to ask for anything. To avoid shame of expressing her needs and desires, she turns to food rather than relationships, for comfort. Instant gratification, that you can’t find in other places.
+ sensing the self + bulimia + needs + yearnings + shame + eating disorder + hide + need + want + desires + food + relationships + avoid + expressing
Your needs are overwhelming? You can’t depend on yourself or others to meet them? You don’t even know what they are? Then need nothing.
+ needs + overwhelming + unsure + nothing + needless + dependence + caroline knapp + appetites + eating disorder
