Or perhaps is is that time doesn’t heal wounds at all, perhaps that is the biggest lie of them all, and instead what happens is that each wound penetrates the body deeper and deeper until one day you find that the sheer geography of your bones - the angle of your hips, the sharpness of your shoulders, as well as the luster of your eyes, the texture of your skin, the openness of your smile - has collapsed under the weight of your griefs.
And no matter what anybody says about grief and about time healing all wounds, the truth is, there are certain sorrows that never fade away until the heart stops beating and the last breath is taken.
I have no idea why, but I actually don’t feel nearly as bad as I did last night.
+ grief + personal + update + surprising
one year.
July 24th
+ bulimia + eating disorder + depression + grief + birthday + dad + shame
Childhood feels so permanent, like it’s the entire world, and then one day it’s over and you’re shoveling wet dirt onto your father’s coffin, stunned at the impermanence of everything.
update.
+ personal + college + eating disorder + bulimia + sick + anxiety + update + depression + grief
lonely.
I feel like I must be the loneliest person in the world.
+ personal + eating disorder + grief + lonely + frustrated + disappointed
wtf..
We were talking the other evening about the phrases one uses when trying to comfort someone who is in distress. I told him that in English we sometimes say, ‘I’ve been there.’ This was unclear to him at first-I’ve been where? But I explained that deep grief sometimes is almost like a specific loacation, a coordinate on a map of time. When you are standing in that forest of sorrow, you cannot imagine that you could ever find your way to a better place. But if someone can assure you that they themselves have stood in that same place, and now have moved on, sometimes this will bring hope.
‘So sadness is a place?’ Giovanni asked.
‘Sometimes people live there for years,’ I said.
I know that it’s easier to look at death than it is to look at pain, because while death is irrevocable, and the grief will lessen in time, pain is too often merely relentless and irreversible.
+ Robert Goolrick + death + pain + permanent + grief + time + irreversable + relentless + lessen
Some things are too terrible to grasp at once. Other things - naked, sputtering, indelible in their horror - are too terrible to really grasp ever at all.It is only later, in solitude, in memory that the realization dawns: when the ashes are cold; when the mourners have departed; when one looks around and finds oneself - quite to one’s surprise - in an entirely different world.
+ grief + depression + shock + mourning + grasp + believe + solititude + different + change + surprise + horror + terrible + traumatic
It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.
+ death + grief + dark + surprise + shocking + loved one + Lemony Snicket + bitter
It’s so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone.
