Sometimes I feel like there’s a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there’s a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing… I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen.
People become addicts in the process of trying to feel whole instead of fragmented, connected to something instead of lost and alienated. They try to calm the torment of shame and anxiety and fill the void of inner emptiness.
+ addiction + shame + eating disorder + binge + purge + bulimia + addicts + fragmented + fill + emptiness + calm + anxiety + void + vacant + connected + relationship
As if to build a fence around the fatal emptiness inside her, she had to create a sunny person that she became. But if you peeled away the ornamental egos that she had built, there was only an abbys of nothingness and the intense thirst that came with it. Though she tried to forget it, the nothingness would visit her periodically - on a lonely rainy afternoon, or at dawn when she woke up from a nightmare. What she needed at such times was to be held by someone, anyone.
Now I know what loneliness is, I think. Momentary loneliness, anyway. It comes from a vague core of the self - like a disease of the blood, dispersed throughout the body so that one cannot locate the matrix, the spot of contagion.There is no living being on earth at this moment, except myself. I could walk down the halls, and empty rooms would yawn at me from every side.
+ loneliness + lonely + think + momentary + vague + core + sense of self + empty + emptiness + body + dispersed + locate + matrix + center + human + alone + depression + isolated
I don’t want to be alone. I have never wanted to be alone. I fucking hate it. I hate that I have no one to talk to, I hate that I have no one to call, I hate that I have no one to hold my hand, hug me, tell me everything is going to be all right. I hate that I have no one to share my hopes and dreams with, I hate that I no longer have any hopes or dreams, I hate that I have no one to tell me to hold on, that I can find them again. I hate that when I scream, and I scream bloody murder, that I am screaming into emptiness. I hate that there is no one to hear my scream and that there is no one to help me learn how to stop screaming. More than anything, all I have ever wanted is to be close to someone. More than anything, all I have ever wanted is to feel as if I wasn’t alone.
+ james frey + alone + hate + loneliness + talk + call + hug + hold hand + dream + relationship + friendship + closeness + distant + scream + emptiness + nothingness + meaning + close + someone + person
If you looked down to the bottom of my soul, you would understand fully the source of my longing and – pity me. Even the open, transparent lake has its unknown depths, which no divers know.
+ inside + depth + emptiness + meaningless + depression + longing + yearning + pity + lake + soul
calm after the storm.
For those who feel a pervasive sense of loneliness and emptiness, food can serve as a constant companion. Eating becomes something to do, a way of filling up the empty space in their lives by creating a sense of fullness in their stomachs. Others may starve themselves so they won’t notice their loneliness. That way they won’t have to take the risk of meeting new people or getting too close to others they fear might reject them.
+ eating in the light of the moon + eating + eating disorders + anorexia + bulimia + starve + purge + binge + full + loneliness + emptiness + companion + reject + close
She is plagued with a vague, uneasy sense of emptiness, so she tries to fill herself up. Since she is no longer clear about what she longs for she assumes her hunger is a physical one. And so she either eats compulsively or becomes horrified at her seemingly insatiable appetite and proceeds to starve herself. She then continues through life with the assumption that something is very wrong with her. Her struggle with food confirms that indeed, there is something wrong with her and this becomes her focus, her obsession: if she only could fix this problem, then everything else would be okay.
+ eating disorders + eating in the light of the moon + anorexia + bulimia + binge + purge + starve + emptiness + fill + hunger + compulsively + appetite + wrong + obsession + focus + problem
Bruch linked the sense of loneliness, the feeling of not being listened to or understood, and the pervasive sense of emptiness to eating binges. A preoccupation with food and bingeing and purging behaviors can be thought of as filling a need to relieve pain, and the individual may rely on these behaviors for this function. The psychological pain becomes a physical one, and emotional experience is concretized
+ eating disorder + anorexia + bulimia + binge + purge + pain + concrete + physical + emotional + relieve + behaviors + misunderstood + emptiness + psychological
Gifted adults can misinterpret their complex and deep way of thinking as craziness. They can mistake their emotional intensity for emotional immaturity or see it as a character flaw. Because they have never been given information to explain what is “normal for gifted” they frequently experience frustration in the world, alienation, anger, self blame and emptiness. Without an adequate explanation of their gifted difference, they develop a façade with which they cover their authentic self; a face that they show to the world in order to fit in and so avoid disapproval or sanction.
No matter where i go, i still end up me. What’s missing never changes. The scenery may change, but i’m still the same incomplete person. The same missing elements torture me with a hunger that i can never satisfy. I think that lack itself is as close as i’ll come to defining myself.
+ Haruki Murakami + emptiness + void + hunger + insatiable + lack + define + torture + scenery
So that’s how we live our lives. No matter how deep and fatal the loss, no matter how important the thing that’s stolen from us—that’s snatched right out of our hands—even if we are left completely changed, with only the outer layer of skin from before, we continue to play out our lives this way, in silence. We draw ever nearer to the end of our allotted span of time, bidding it farewell as it trails off behind. Repeating, often adroitly, the endless deeds of the everyday. Leaving behind a feeling of immeasurable emptiness.
+ Haruki Murakami + loss + emptiness + silence + farewell + routine + life
We all build internal sea walls to keep at bay the sadnesses of life and the often overwhelming forces within our minds. In whatever way we do this—through love, work, family, faith, friends, denial, alcohol, drugs, or medication, we build these walls, stone by stone, over a lifetime.
+ kay jamison + depression + walls + void + sadness + emptiness + an unquiet mind + memoir + madness
