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© rosefeather

update.

This week has been the busiest/ most exhausting week ever. I started school and had rush for sorority which left me getting 2 hours of sleep every night, running off of energy drinks and adrenaline. Rush was the most terrifying, intimidating process ever. I will never do that again. I walk into a sea of over made-up girls cattily sizing me up and down which feels reminiscent of a scene out of Mean Girls. I would describe it as a cross between Cheerleading Camp and a Miss American pageant. Loud cheers, dancing, screaming, more bottles of hair spray and bronzer than I have ever seen in my entire life.. Miss Texas actually made an appearance the first night and they talked about how we can enter the pageants.. like wtf this is a sorority recruitment..  I had no idea it was this intense. Anyway it was not fun; so much “smiling”, cheering, interviews, fake conversations I wanted to shoot myself. After 5 days of that grueling process I got a bid from a sorority. To be honest it wasn’t the one I wanted .. at all. I felt so crushed and rejected when I opened the envelope. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to accept the bid, but I am trying to be open- minded about it.. at least give it a try and see if I like it. I’m starting to wonder why I even thought a sorority was a good idea.. I’m so not a “typical sorority girl” but I really just wanted a way to make friends because this school is HUGE and intimidating and I don’t know anyone really. Anyway I guess I’ll just give it a go. Tonight is a frat party themed “Duck Calls and Overalls”..so weird, I guess I have to go shopping for a camouflage themed outfit today. I’m kind of scared to go, I hate not knowing anyone and feeling like such a loner. I guess that’s why I am giving the sorority a chance. 

Eating disorder wise has actually been pretty good, relatively speaking for me anyway. I’ve been b/ping like 1-2x a day, and much smaller binges. I feel kind of like I’m cheating saying I’m doing “good” because the only reason I was able to do that was because I literally have not had a spare second of time to do it. Between rush and classes I’ve been running around nonstop. I’ve been trying to eat meals so I won’t spiral into a b/p but it’s really difficult with all the people on campus and people watching me. I get really bad anxiety if I have to eat in front of people and its basically impossible not to here. The only thing that has sort of worked is getting a salad or smoothie or something to go and bringing it back to my room, but even then my roommate is always in the room.. Ugh I can’t win. Walking around campus with SO many people, my anxiety is kind of bad. I try to take different ways to classes that are less crowded even though I have to walk much further because it just stresses me out being judged and looked at by all those girls. I haven’t seen the therapist at the school counseling center since I’ve been back yet. I’m trying to contemplate if its even worth it.. after every session I would get straight in my car and b/p…I don’t know if that means it brought up strong emotions or I just felt frustrated by her lack of helpfulness..but I’m kind of on the fence if I should go back. 

I know this sounds so lame, especially since I sort of pride myself in being brave and independent, but I feel kind of homesick. My mom and I got along so well when I was home during break, I really miss her. I never thought I’d be writing that tbh, but I kind of think its because my world and life feels so chaotic and unstable right now.. I just need something stable, some sense of comfort and support to ground me. I feel like I can just keep falling and falling with no safety net or anyone to catch me. It scares me. I feel so alone. Even if I’m temporarily distracted or busy and not thinking about death/ depression..it seems its what I always eventually come back to. It’s my baseline, I can’t help but wonder..what is the meaning of it all? What’s the point? Is this misery worth it? And I’m not saying I’m suicidal or anything, but I get so fed up with the people content with partying, boys and drinking…and nothing more. How can they want nothing more? I must be so selfish because I want so much more from life. I feel so empty, I just want some fulfillment, something satisfying, something freaking more than these incessant days and weeks passing by, last one same as the next one, booze, sex, parties, drama, RIP MY HAIR OUT. I am so fed up with everything, everyone, the fake nauseating conversations  that lack any substantial thought. GAHHHH why am I so strange? 

I ricochet violently between wanting to fit in and belong and trying to befriend people who are satisfied with the most empty lives and partying…and back to isolating trying to study, work fervently at becoming hugely successful and accomplished in life.  I find no satisfaction to speak of that lasts in either option. I feel so stuck, lost, alone.