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© rosefeather

update

I’ve been meaning to do an update since I got home, but this is the first time I actually have had a minute. I am doing so much better, I feel so relieved to be here, around people..I honestly feel like a different person. I guess its amazing what isolation can do to you. The house was full of people which was actually fine, but everyone left in the past few days so now its only my mom, step- dad and me which I’m actually a little nervous about.

 The first day I was here I met up with my best friend to go to our favorite breakfast place. It was really good to see her, admittedly I was kind of scared she would think I looked fat or something. I think she actually gained weight to be honest, not like it matters but after worrying about how I would look to her I found it funny I never once wondered if she looked different. I REALLY wanted to purge and felt gross after, but knew I couldn’t without her knowing. I went to her house afterwards to see her family and omg her mom lost SO MUCH weight. Granted it was healthy weight loss, she needed it I guess, but it was just kind of triggering to see. It made me feel gross for not losing a ton of weight, I wanted to go hide in a hole. But it was really good catching up with her, it felt like nothing had changed, we could still talk like we did years ago. I felt gross and sick from breakfast though even after I left her house I b/p on the way home. :/

That night my mom wanted me to go with her and everyone else to her friend’s cocktail party. I didn’t particularly want to go though because it is awkward with all my mom’s friends who are kind of pretentious. It was fine though, I just had a few cosmos and got really drunk, made it less awkward obviously. I didn’t b/p that day either and it wasn’t even THAT hard..I guess being around people all day, but still that’s just amazing for me. 

Yesterday my mom, sister, grandma and I drove to the beach to scatter my dad’s ashes in the ocean..and it was a disaster! hah, I’m trying to find the humor in it, that might take a year. We rented a boat and drove out  to a calm area in the bay that seemed nice and we turned off the boat. Then the wind started blowing really hard and pushed the boat into a marshy/ sea grass area and we tried to turn the boat back on but it wouldn’t start. So we called the boat people and told them the boat wasn’t working so they said they would send a boat out to find us, which took about an hour. In the meantime my sister decided we should just do the ashes now, so she basically gets the bag of ashes and dumps them right into the ocean/sea grass .. it was not peaceful or anything of the sort. It was kind of disturbing to be honest, and to make it worse we couldn’t drive away we were left sitting there staring at it kind of sitting on top of the water..so not exactly how I expected this trip to go. I’m just glad its all over with, done. The boat had to tow our boat back which took forever.. then my mom started saying things like, “omg what if this is your dads way of saying he didn’t want to be scattered here”..being ridiculous. We drove home and took my sister to the train station to go back to the city and my mom stopped and bought some wine. Everyone was exhausted after that day, but honestly I felt wired and all I wanted to do was b/p. Which I guess is understandable, but not really. I b/p when everyone went to bed and finally felt tired enough to go to sleep. I’ve been doing much better overall, like once a day. It feels so weird having energy, its nice!