I am s
lightly completely freaking out. I have to give a speech tomorrow in my communications class..ngdjksfnkdjs. panic attack central. I literally freeze when I have to public speak for classes. My mind becomes paralyzed and I forget everything. We have to have it memorized, make it funny, entertaining, relatable..um WHUT, not capable of doing that?
I’ve been b/ping steadily about 2x a day which is really good for me. I’m trying to get it down to just once a day which would be amazing. I’ve been taking a lot of vitamins lately and I honestly feel more energetic and alive than I have in um.. years? I’m sure its a combination of less purging too obviously but I highly suggest taking vitamins if you often feel like roadkill like me. I started reading more on vitamins and how certain deficiencies can definitely contribute to depression and fatigue, so I figured it was worth a try. I’m not saying depression is caused by vitamin deficiencies either, but I think it definitely can exacperate it.
This weekend I had some virus and a terrible sore throat. To be honest my tonsils were so inflamed and my esophagus was hurting in one specific spot I was convinced I gave myself an esophageal ulcer from purging. I went to the health center, terrified there was a hole in my throat, but they said it was just a virus thank god. When the nurse asked me what I thought was wrong and I said I was worried that maybe I had an ulcer she looked at me like I was so naive. I didn’t tell her I have an eating disorder and I’ve been purging daily more or less for 8 years now, if i had I’m sure that wouldn’t have seemed so far fetched but I didn’t want to risk being asked to leave school. I’m not really sure what they would do, but I don’t want to take that chance.
On that same note I’ve been considering going to the school counseling center.. I’m not really sure what I would even tell them, if I would even mention my eating disorder or just talking about depression and anxiety.. I’m just afraid they would kick me out of school, but I really want to see someone so they can help me process my grief? I honestly don’t know how to “grieve” or deal with my dad’s death.. I haven’t really talked to anyone about it yet and I know its all bubbling beneath the surface. My anxiety is at an all-time high and I literally feel like I’m on the verge of a panic attack every single day. I can’t contain it all, and it leads to me b/p even more. I swear for the amount of anxiety I have, I would need a horse tranquilizer. I have been considering maybe seeing a psychiatrist for medication to ease the anxiety some..but I really am not a promoter of medicating the issue..I don’t know, its just when the anxiety becomes paralyzing, it starts to seem more and more appealing. I think I may make an appointment for today with the psychologist and not mention my ed..I feel like I’m at a breaking point.